Remember the physical fitness tests of the 1970's?

I do. I have three badges.

How about your first driver's test?

I aced mine-- first time-- in a gigantic Ford Mercury station wagon.

I also nailed dozens of dance, vocal and acting auditions for decades.

I'm a good test taker.

I like to study, practice, and memorize.

None of that will help me now.

CBC, CMP, CMS and HCC are just a few of the tests I must pass.

I'm about to have bilateral hip replacement surgery, and if I'm not at

the top of the diagnostic test class, it might be problematic.

The passing grade of "normal" is what I want to see on my chart.

I hope it's surrounded by stars, exclamation points and all forms of praise--

just like the tests I got back in school.

I can't flunk.

I need new hips.

With cartilage.

My plan to achieve that passing, normal grade?

Minimal sugar.

Minimal wine.

And all the nutrient-dense vegetables I can choke down.

If I could, I'd add more movement, but my bone on bone

hip situation presents a challenge: pain.

Blood tests always bring me back to a bizarre moment in 2020,

when I received a result that was not normal.

I needed a full physical for a gig on a cruise ship.

One of the tests was hCG--a pregnancy test.

It came back positive.

WTF?!

I had a second test, certain there had been a mistake.

Again, positive.

Again, WTF?!

(That one was screamed in a much higher pitch.)

That surprising result led to my expulsion from rehearsals and

a weeklong search for an embryo in

my post-menopausal, eggless reproductive tract.

The treasure hunt yielded nothing, and I returned to rehearsal.

Since then, every blood test makes me relive

that ridiculoue "failure."

(Also I never tire of telling that story.)

I believe in my blood.

If I were to grading it up to now,

I'd give it the highest mark possible.

It's been transporting oxygen and nutrients like a champ

and coagulating beautifully.

I'd surround the results with stars, exclamation points

and a big, bold

"GREAT JOB!"

Sometimes the universe throws the weirdest tests at you--

right when you're on the verge of a new chapter.

Or new hips!